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Leaning in to missing out

Jul 08, 2022
What does a good holiday mean to you?

A flurry of social activities with visits to friends and family? Outings, expeditions, and new destinations explored? Or do you tackle those jobs around the house that have been staring reproachfully at you all year?  Amidst all of that, how much of your annual leave will be spent in a leisurely way? Enjoying real leisure time is harder than we think, for many reasons, and something we are collectively failing to do well. Here's why, and how we can polish up our rusty leisure habits this summer.

Firstly, we’re not great at even taking our annual leave.  A 2018 Glassdoor study found that ‘40% of employees do not take their full annual leave entitlement because they are too busy’. Even when we do take it, we rarely switch off completely and often ‘keep an eye’ on work matters with our devices never far from reach.  In today’s world of 24/7 connectedness and blurry work/life boundaries, it takes a lot of discipline and willpower to detach from work and be fully focused on our home lives.  Ben Higgins, Managing Director and UK Head of Human Resources at Societe Generale and Chair of the City HR Association, recently spoke on my podcast (starts at 20m 20s) about how he manages to do this despite being in a very senior role with a big workload and team to manage.

Secondly, slowing down can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.  Even when we switch off our devices and physically stop working our brain often carries on churning at top speed, trapped in its ceaseless drum of activity like a never-ending spin cycle.  We’re so used to constantly consuming incoming information, checking media updates and juggling competing demands on our attention that we can feel twitchy and restless when we try and stop. I often feel in a hurry to get past this uncomfortable stage of disconnecting into a more zen-like mental relaxation, and am reminded of the exhortation to ‘Hurry up and slow down’ that the energetic, impatient Hare implores of the glacially-paced Tortoise in the wonderful children’s book of the same name.

Finally, in today’s purpose-driven world, we often feel compelled to use our downtime profitably.  Instead of simply ‘being’ we fill our leisure time with ‘doing’ and even ‘achieving’, whether that’s ticking ambitions off our bucket list, starting projects we’ve been meaning to get round to doing, or simply filling our time up with pre-planned activity until there’s no space left. As in many families, my husband and I both work so we face the practical need to arrange a certain amount of activities and childcare during the school holidays. But aside from that, every year I tell myself I won’t fill up the calendar completely but leave it open for long, invitingly empty days, clinging onto the vision of us all lazing in the garden or pottering on the beach. But as fliers for theatre offers, kids activities and local open days tumble temptingly into my inbox like the Hogwarts invitations spewing out of the Dursleys’ fireplace in Harry Potter, I can’t resist the urge to say yes to some of them. Is it FOMO or discomfort with boredom? Probably a bit of both, if I’m honest. But suddenly I realise I’ve passed the tipping point and I start to panic there’ll be no clear days before  we’re gearing up again for autumn.

So how do we get better at stopping? At embracing leisure properly, without deadlines or self-imposed objectives? Some words of wisdom on this from books I’ve been reading in my 2022 reading challenge, #ReclaimTimeToRead, keep coming back to me:
  • In Overwhelmed: work, love and play when no-one has the time, Brigid Schulte says ‘constantly choosing leisure is the first step to reclaiming it’. We have to actively choose leisure over all the other possible choices we could make, or it simply doesn’t happen. That means consciously choosing not to do other things, like check our phones, reach for our to-do list or squeeze in a quick errand. 
  • Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit: why we do what we do and how to change, explains how habits are at the root of how we behave and by observing and adjusting the cues or triggers, we can change our routines more successfully. When the first few moments of idle time arrive, do we instinctively reach for our phones out of habit or look for something to do? If so, putting our devices and to-do lists out of sight in a bag or drawer and putting something more enticing within reach (sunhat and book?) can help break that cycle.
  • And in one of my favourite books ever, Four Thousand Weeks, Oliver Burkeman reminds us that when it comes to choosing how we spend our time, ‘there are hard choices to be made: which balls to let drop, which people to disappoint; which cherished ambitions to abandon; which roles to fail at’. Slowing down means saying no to things we’d like to say yes to and to my earlier FOMO point, leaning in to missing out.
I’m going to be practising some of these things over the next few weeks, so if I don’t reply to your email, if I politely decline your invitation or if my house and garden are a total mess, it’s not that I don’t care. I’m simply stopping the clock, flexing my rusty leisure 'muscles' and hopefully discovering the upsides of missing out. Are you in too? Let’s swap notes on the other side. 

PS. If this blog has touched a deeper, nagging concern that life is rushing by and you're not living it the way you'd like to, then join me in October to transform the way you think about, and spend, your time.

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